Let me set the stage. “ThingTwo is showered, slathered in skin cremes (excema), and dressed with hair in an up-pony to keep it out of the way while I deal with ThingOne, before we move out to the spot where we dry and brush the hair. I am still in my boardshorts, soaking wet. ThingOne is reasonably capable now and can get herself dressed with a minimum of help. I start to untie the string on my shorts and ThingOne nudges ThingTwo and whispers ”We’re going to see Daddy’s butt.” Instantly all attention is on me, but whatever, I have to get changed right? So I do the quick dry off of everything not covered and drop my shorts and grab my underwear. As I am pulling them up, ThingOne giggles and says to ThingTwo “ Look! we can see his penis!” and ThingTwo immediately reaches out grabs me and exclaims “I GOT YOUR PENITH!”............ I swat her hand away while trying not to fall over (my underwear are still halfway up and the floor is slippery). I yank them up and reach for my cargo shorts and before I can get them on, again with the grabbing and the “I GOT YOUR PENITH!” Again I swat and turn away still struggling to get my shorts up, before I can get them up she gets the third and fourth grabs and exclamations in and all the while ThingOne is laughing uncontrollably and I can’t keep a straight face to say STOP! or NO! with any kind of authority.

ThingOne did not do this kind of thing at this age, she looked a bit but never progressed to grabbing. I knew I should have remembered those snacks....

Motherhood is not without peril either. I recall a story Sugarmomma tells about ThingOne and a public bathroom. ThingOne has always had quite a strong vocabulary and we have always been advocates of anatomical correctness. Those Potty training books that say shit like “and you have a pee pee for making wee wee.....” just piss me off, I always changed the words on the fly. So anyway, Sugarmomma and ThingOne are using the public bathroom, momma pees and then stands up to finish and THingOne Shouts out “Mommy, you have hair on your P-Gina!”. I’m told there were stifled snickers from the stalls on either side. You know you’ve got stories, go on, ...spill.

BBD.

Tags: Pain, Self Preservation, Kids, Contact Sport

Fathers are for rough-housing right! I have two girls, and both of them love to play rough with me, and I love it. I love to have them crawling all over me, nothing makes me feel closer to them. The smiles on their faces and the squeals of deilght are intoxicating. It is not without it's dangers however, and for the unaware it can be downright painful. I play with my kids quite a lot, so I'm always "on guard" and I think being a man comes with an extra heightened sense of self presevation, if you know what I mean. So I always find it moderately amusing when one of my kids inadvertently lays the smack-down on some unsuspecting adult who decides to get in the ring with them. Let me reiterate, I have two GIRLS, both of which have a combined weight that barely tips the scales at 60lbs. They are light, and slight, so not visibly an outward threat. This is what makes them so dangerous, their dainty stature and shining faces deceive their targets into relaxing and WHAM! They strike like sledge hammers! The other factor is they are relentless, they just keep coming. I haven't figured out yet how to turn that off without tears, but I'm working on that one.

Anyone with small children that are still not yet in school but have past the toddling age, knows that you do not take your eyes off of them when playing physically interactive games. This is just asking for a knee or two to the forehead. Even during story or cuddle time, the defenses should still be on alert, wary of an unprovoked full-arching reverse head-butt. ThingTwo is now at "That Height" and of the belief that running full-tilt at me hands up and head forward is just the "funnest" thing in the world, and will do so when the mood strikes her. ThingOne likes to "cuddle" but is incapable of sitting still for more than three seconds at a time and thus I sit in the "Forearm block" position in anticipation of a wayward elbow or an errant knee. She is also especially skilled with her footwork in both the "climb into the lap" and the "climb up the front and backflip dismount" manouevres. Dads especially will appreciate this last one, "The Chest or Armpit Hair clutch". This one comes out of nowhere, is almost impossible to defend against, and is both excruciatingly painful and dangerous on more than one level. The child is usually perched in some precarious position and so letting go of them or reeling away in pain could lead to more serious ramifications making it imperative that you suck it up and endure the torture while it lasts. The other thing is that crying out in either pain or anger may scare the child making things worse and let's face it, making you look like a big ol' sissy.

I would like to invite others to add to the list of ShortThing Defense Tactics, let me know what moves your ShortThings have that routinely catch the rookies off-guard, and remember:

Pain Heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory is forever.

Tags: Kids, Physical Play, Self Preservation