• It's shiny, black and silver.
• Approximately 2 peak horsepower motor, 120 volt, 60 hz, 11.5 amps
• High-efficiency radial cooling fan
• Thermal protection system to prevent overload and burnout
• Low-friction ball-bearing motor built to last a lifetime
• Heavy-duty, hide-away safety cord extends 19 inches to 6 feet and has a grounded 3-prong plug
• Black wear-resistant plastic base.

Alright you pervs, it's a blender. It's the Mother of all Blenders to be exact. SugarMomma was soooo excited when she found out it could turn grain into flour. (go figure, that's what turns her crank.) I was thinking more like Margaritas!

Well, we christened it. Sent it into a life of service with a little Jose Cuervo's Margarita Mix, and some Sauza Conmemorativo. It was like the best Big Gulp ever. I approve. She can make those anytime she wants. I'm going to make those anytime I want. This thing kicks ASS. The Vita-Mix Deluxe 5000.

I have to say though, this is a company that perhaps should not be doing business online. Being a stay-at-home dad I have come to embrace online shopping wholeheartedly. As long as it's something I don't have to try on, and it's from a reputable source, either direct from the company or a major online retailer, I'm pretty comfortable with the experience. Being based in Canada I'm accustomed to jumping through a few hoops to get things sent to me, I shouldn't have to, but that's another story.

I was encouraged to find out Vita-Mix has a Canadian shipping warehouse so I wouldn't have to deal with the border, customs, duty, and all of that. The website listed prices in cdn$, another plus. The order confirmation email arrived with a big Thank You for your order and seemingly all of the pertinent details, so far, so good.

The good vibes ended there however. After my confirmation order I waited my 7-10 business days for delivery as indicated and nothing arrived. I waited a couple of more days, because you know, shit happens, still nothing. So I call the information number for Vita-Mix and explain my situation. I give them the order number from the email and they proceed to tell me that's not a valid order number, not enough digits.

[Ok, breathe...]

"Let me check by name and address."

"Oh, you're from Canada, yeah the email system doesn't send out the right details for the Canadian orders, it happens all the time, your order is right here in the system though, but it hasn't shipped yet."

[Huh? Hasn't shipped yet? I ordered it on the 23rd of April, it's May 7th! ]

"Oh, it looks like it's out of stock, but we'll get more soon."

[Wait, hold up. Why wouldn't someone tell me that? In this day of customer service and all that? Shouldn't there be a system in "The System" to flag and identify this sort of problem?]

"I'll have to check with the warehouse to see when they're getting more and when it might get shipped out, what is your email, I'll find out and send you a message."

No email ever arrived.Three weeks and four follow-up phone calls and this behemoth of blending power finally arrived. The lady on the phone was very pleasant, and somewhat apologetic. Oh, and they did send us 2 free Smoothie Travel mugs for all our trouble, which arrived one week before the blender. Awesome.

So I invite you to pull up your mouse, stay awhile, impart your own tales of Interhell. I mean why not, I'm makin' Margaritas, who's thirsty?

Tags: Customer Service, Vita-Mix, Margaritas, Mother's Day

Now, when you're done absorbing all that is being imparted, prove that you were here go to the bottom of the page and leave a comment. Let's play a little game, kind of like who's line is it anyway, let's call it "BLOGPROV". If no one else has coined that phrase (which I highly doubt) It's mine! I said here first, you read it and it's mine!. (Ahem) Sorry about that. "BLOGPROV" give me a topic and I will attempt to write about it.

Next challenge, I'm compiling the definitive list of:

"Movies that are worth watching in spite of Kanoe Reaves being in them"

1. The Matrix. (of course it's the top of the List)
2. Speed (Pop Quiz Hot Shot!)
3. Point Break (mindless action, surfing Bank Robbers in Presidential rubber masks, what's not to like)
4. The Replacements (come on, Rhys Ifans was hilarious)
5. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. (you loved it, admit it.)
6. What will it be......
7. .......

As you may have already guessed i am not much of a movie snob, and frankly, I don't really care. I'm not so concerned with deep philosophical meaning and ground-breaking performances. I want to be entertained, plain and simple. I want two hours of escape., complete with mind-numbing explosions, car chases and martial artistry. I sit, unapologetic. Name a cheesy movie and I've probably seen it, and enjoyed it for that matter. I'm ok with it. Oh, by the way in case you were wondering, I can spell KEANU. I'm just sayin'.

Oh I also added something new to my sidebar, It's called "ThingOne Said". I think it's self explanatory.

So bring it On!! Leave a comment. start a debate! Leave a comment. Start a fight! Leave a comment. Debate the artisitic merits of Anchorman vs. The 40 Year Old Virgin. Leave a comment.

Was that too subtle?

P.S. I'll explain the Pink soon. I could say it was because of what Joeprah said about pink and Mommy bloggers, but it's not so you'll just have to wait.

Tags: Pink Floyd, BLOGPROV, Kanoe Reaves, Comment

The Saga Continues... when we last saw our Intrepid hero she was teetering on the brink of constipation, sitting on a veritable timebomb. Would she crack the code? Would she explode? Time would tell.

Well, since the last time she has had one poop in the potty. At least only one that I have proof of, Sugar Momma says she had one with her also but I didn't see it. You see, being the proud Poppa that I am I commemorated the occasion with photographic evidence, What!? It was a big deal, and a big poop! I was told to praise her when she made these kind of break-throughs, to reinforce the good behaviour, that's all I was doing. She said she wanted to show Mommy and while I am a guy, ...I wasn't about to leave the steaming log there until Mom got home from work. I mean come on, that would have stunk up the joint.

Side Note: When shortly after the first episode of Potty Fu we took the ShortThings for haircuts, this being the first ever for ThingTwo, Sugar Momma just shook her head at this conversation.

Sugar Momma: "Did you save the trimmings from her first haircut?"

Me: "No. Was I supposed to?"

Sugar Momma: "But you took a picture of her first poop in the potty!?"

Me: "Well, I, umm....I took picture of the haircut too......"

How was I supposed to know you're supposed to keep the hair? Is that even sanitary?

And now back to our regular programming.... So ThingTwo has progressed admirably in the way of Potty Fu. She has developed new skills, some unforeseen, some long fogotten since the training of ThingOne. Firstly she has incredible control, she senses the approach, then announces " I PEED!" (translate: I'm going to pee) and can make her way to the throne without incident, almost everytime. She can drop trou like a pro so no issues there. This where a special long forgotten talent emerges. She has made it to the potty and is sitting, ready to do the deed, but being curious and thorough, wants to see the evidence. So she arches her back and hunches over simultaneously which causes the stream to arc in perfect 3 point form over the rim of the bowl and swish gracefully right into her princess underwear. It's quite a feat really, nothing on the rim, all net. It make me wonder why they haven't designed a standing urinal for women. The girl's got Mad Skills! If I wasn't so impressed I'd probably be pissed about all the extra laundry and wardrobe changes it causes at the most inopportune times, like 2 minutes before we have to leave to get ThingOne to the bus on time.

We still need to work on No2 in the Potty Fu, at least she has control and most of the time requests a diaper and then proceeds to assume the "Bullfrog" Stance to finsh the move. For those of you unaware of the "Bullfrog", picture your toddler hunched over, feet and hands on the floor, rythmically rocking back and forth, hopping in a circle and grunting, until announcing "I'M FINITHED! CHANGTHE MY BUTT! Oh the bliss...

Another unforeseen skill is the mastery of the DVD remote. This is my fault, I know it, I admit. I like to watch movies, and my kids like to watch movies. We don't have cable but have a formidable DVD collection and that's what we watch. Sometimes it's the only way to get anything accomplished, to zombify them with the TV. Get over it. But ThingOne doesn't like to miss a anything, not a second. So when she has to "go" she bolts up screaming "PAUSE IT!" and waits, and dances with disaster until it paused before she races to bathroom. Well, well, well......ThingTwo has now adopted this exact routine, but is also at the "I do it my own THELF!" phase so I had to teach her to use the buttons with the triangle and the white lines if I wanted to save on some laundry. She found this to be so much fun, she has turned into The Girl Who Cried "I PEED!". It's a super fun game and she likes to play it over and over and over......

And so, I wait and dream of floating logs and perfect aim.....damn, I have to go pause the movie.

Tags: Potty Training, Mad Skills, 3 Points, More Laundry

Oh Mother, My Mother.....wow that was cheesy. Let me try again. Mothers, she without whom we would not be here, and she without whom we would not be Fathers, you Freakin' Rule! Mother's Day, what's with that. Another Greeting Card Conspiracy. I mean really, one day a year that we show our appreciation for these wonderful women. These incredible, fantastic, invigorating, validating, courageous, groundbreaking women. They are all of these things aren't they? My mother gave birth to, and helped raise me if that's not courageous I don't know what is, Thank You. My Wife, groundbreaking, check, incredible, check, validating, check, I mean come on, she married me didn't she!? She deemed me worthy of Fatherhood, made a man out of me, rendered me a Big Bad Daddy. Thank You.

My Sugar Momma, honestly, I am a better man because of you. Plus, without you I wouldn't have an excuse to own provocactive onesies with implied profanity. This shirt is actually a little bittersweet. For those of you in my loyal readership of one (Thanks Joe! You rock!), you may remember from the Potty Fu episode the fact that ThingTwo is a child of great resolve and when she decides something, it is final. Well before she was a year old, on Christmas Eve no less, she decided that she was done breast feeding and that was that. The Sugar Momma tried for a month to whet her appetite as it were to no avail. The absolutely terrifying part of this story is that she was not yet taking solid foods with any regularity and lost an alarming amount of weight. She is a tiny kid and losing any weight was a cause for concern and not eating anyhthing for a few days, well let's just say the holidays were not dull.

It's funny, Sugar Momma bought this shirt, and loved taking ThingTwo out in it. She still likes the shirt, but she feels like a bit of a poser because ThingTwo is no longer a "Mutha Sucka". That, and Momma had no choice in that decision, which hurts. I'm always floored to watch the Mother of my children and how her every thought, word, and action is a testament to her unflinching commitment to our ShortThings.

You Rock.

Mom, without you I could not be who I am, I mean that, literally. You decided I was worth the effort, and I appreciate that. Recently I have come to realize and appreciate how much of me I owe to you. I love your Maverick Spirit, your courage in breaking new ground, your appetite for knowledge, and the simple belief that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well. My life has been full, and rich, and we view the world through similar eyes. I love that you get me, and always have.

You Rock too.

My Sister, you should get a medal for bravery in motherhood. I have said before that adversity breeds greatness so I suppose that makes you Freakin' Awesome!! The crap that life has thrown at you the last few years would turn an elite combat unit into slobbering mess, and yet you still hold your head high and go for yours. Keep the faith Sista!

You Rock too too.

For Those About The Spawn, We Salute You.

Tags: Mother's Day

Fathers are for rough-housing right! I have two girls, and both of them love to play rough with me, and I love it. I love to have them crawling all over me, nothing makes me feel closer to them. The smiles on their faces and the squeals of deilght are intoxicating. It is not without it's dangers however, and for the unaware it can be downright painful. I play with my kids quite a lot, so I'm always "on guard" and I think being a man comes with an extra heightened sense of self presevation, if you know what I mean. So I always find it moderately amusing when one of my kids inadvertently lays the smack-down on some unsuspecting adult who decides to get in the ring with them. Let me reiterate, I have two GIRLS, both of which have a combined weight that barely tips the scales at 60lbs. They are light, and slight, so not visibly an outward threat. This is what makes them so dangerous, their dainty stature and shining faces deceive their targets into relaxing and WHAM! They strike like sledge hammers! The other factor is they are relentless, they just keep coming. I haven't figured out yet how to turn that off without tears, but I'm working on that one.

Anyone with small children that are still not yet in school but have past the toddling age, knows that you do not take your eyes off of them when playing physically interactive games. This is just asking for a knee or two to the forehead. Even during story or cuddle time, the defenses should still be on alert, wary of an unprovoked full-arching reverse head-butt. ThingTwo is now at "That Height" and of the belief that running full-tilt at me hands up and head forward is just the "funnest" thing in the world, and will do so when the mood strikes her. ThingOne likes to "cuddle" but is incapable of sitting still for more than three seconds at a time and thus I sit in the "Forearm block" position in anticipation of a wayward elbow or an errant knee. She is also especially skilled with her footwork in both the "climb into the lap" and the "climb up the front and backflip dismount" manouevres. Dads especially will appreciate this last one, "The Chest or Armpit Hair clutch". This one comes out of nowhere, is almost impossible to defend against, and is both excruciatingly painful and dangerous on more than one level. The child is usually perched in some precarious position and so letting go of them or reeling away in pain could lead to more serious ramifications making it imperative that you suck it up and endure the torture while it lasts. The other thing is that crying out in either pain or anger may scare the child making things worse and let's face it, making you look like a big ol' sissy.

I would like to invite others to add to the list of ShortThing Defense Tactics, let me know what moves your ShortThings have that routinely catch the rookies off-guard, and remember:

Pain Heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory is forever.

Tags: Kids, Physical Play, Self Preservation