We are now a few weeks into life here in R-Land and I have to say it’s quite freaking awesome. Everyone here is SO nice, SugarMomma called it “Freakishly Friendly” and not in a Deliverance or Twin Peaks kind of way either. Folks here are just plain friendly. (I said “folks” ha!) Ahem. I have met more of my neighbours here in three weeks than I met in Calgary in five years. Two of them have suddenly stopped their vehicles in the street, without pulling over, just to say Hi! and introduce themselves and offer some neighbourly advice. Today, I was on my way out, about to tackle “The Hill” (which I’ll get to in a bit) when a neighbour from a couple of doors up pulled her SUV to a stop in front of me to introduce herself. We chitted and chatted and she proceeded to offer up this bit of advice:

“If you have guests over in the winter, for a party or something, make sure they don’t park on this road. This hill gets crazy in the winter and people routinely lose control and come spinning out down the hill and bounce off of whatever is in the way and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to one of your guests,....or their vehicles. Awhlie back I started to spin out and lose control, again, cause that’s just what happens, and I thought to myself, here we go! I slid down the hill and crashed into some poor girl who had already spun out and was sideways in my neighbours’ lawn/driveway. I really creamed her, so you know, just be careful.”

This is the hill I have to push a stroller up while walking ThingOne to and from school everyday. Oh Joy! Oh Bliss! Now, “The Hill”. I wish there was a way to describe this hill and the subsequent walk to school without sounding like and old “ When I was a boy.....” story, but the truth is, the walk to the school is all uphill, and not just uphill, upmountain! The first pitch is the steepest, which begins at the foot of our driveway is a nice smack in the face kind of wake up to get your heart going hard right off the bat, followed by a steady but not quite as steep climb all the way to the school. Without pausing, the whole thing only takes about 15 minutes, but when pushing a stroller, well, let’s just say Stair-Master? We don’t need no stinking Stair-Master! Coming down is a whole other experience and I will be investing in the equivalent of snow chains for your boots, a contraption you strap to the sole of your boots called “Icers” with replaceable metal studs on the bottom for traction.

The side benefit of this twice daily adventure is that before too long I will have legs like a mountain goat, keep in mind that this is all taking place at an elevation of approximately 3410 feet above sea level. I want to track this process, I still haven’t found the scale among the boxes yet but when I do.....I may need new pants. The other challenge to this adventure is attire. Finding the right combination for the climb up when I’m huffing and puffing away that will also not send me into hypohermia due to cold sweat chills once I am standing around at the the school yard at the top. Those who know me in the flesh will know I generally do not get cold, at any time of year, but when you build up a workout worthy sweat, in the sub-zero mountian air, and then have to play spotter for a three-ish year old for a half hour or more, the “Breathable” portion of the outdoor clothing industry standard marketing term “Waterproof-Breathable” claim becomes highly important. By the way, this is an open call for product-testing, if any Outdoor Clothing Companies think they have something that can keep me dry and warm! You send it to me, I’ll test it and review it here!

The other component that the outdoor clothing industry markets for these garments is “Anti-Microbial”, which is basically “Anti-Stink”. Let’s just say Me, and “The Hill”, are laying those claims to waste. I can no longer get away with my laxadaisical, showering-every-couple-of-days routine. Daily showering is back on the list of chores.

BBD.

Tags: Parking, Friendly, Neighbours, Fitness

This will be a new category here at Big Bad Daddy Rant, “Random Conversation”!

This was overheard yesterday during a particularly good afternoon of sibling Interaction:

ThingOne toThingTwo:

ThingOne, You’re such a Rock Star, and I’m a Circus Freak.

What more can I say.

BBD.

Tags: Rockstar, Circus Freak

What is it with little girls and anatomical correctness? Why is it so much fun to say penis? ThingOne is in her second week at her new school and is rocking that scene like Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. (He was there right? otherwise I’m going to sound really dumb....) The kid is a star! She’s making friends and taking names. She also has a voracious appetite for the whole reading and writing thing, and her art skills are expanding as well, not to mention her attitude.(but that’s a whole other post.) We have had this ongoing theme centered around the penis, and how boys have them and girls don’t and that daddy is a boy and to be careful where you put your knees and/or feet when climbing on daddy and so on and so forth. So for some time ThingTwo has referred to the whole crotch area as “The Penis”. ThingOne is all about accuracy and cannot accept that ThingTwo is little and may not understand the difference. So we heard this Abbot and Costello-esque convesation down the hall last week.

ThingTwo: “You hit me in my penis!”

ThingOne: (matter-of-factly) “You don’t have a penis.”

ThingTwo:(with a giggle) “You hit me in my penis!” (she LOVES to get her sister worked up)

ThingOne: (a little perturbed) “You don’t have a penis.”

ThingTwo: (with audible glee) “You hit me in my penis!”

ThingOne: (screaming) “YOU DON”T HAVE A PENIS!!!!!!”

Pause......

ThingTwo; “You hit me in my penis!”

This has now escalated, yesterday, I’m not sure how, they thought it would be fun to draw and label pictures of my anatomy. First was “Daddy’s Penis” which looked not unlike a syringe due to the razor sharp line of pee coming out of it. Next was “Daddy’s big harry but”, again with the obligatory function in progress. SugarMomma was not spared either, I can’t remember the exact details but to quote the character Lester Bangs from Almost Famous, it was “Honest, and Unmerciful”.

Maybe I should start locking the bathroom door.......

BBD.

Tags: Anatomy, Giggles, Artwork, Spelling

You all have filthy minds. Maybe that’s why you keep coming back. Oh well, no never mind. I spent the weekend erecting a portable garage. When we were looking for a new home here, we decided we wanted a bigger bedroom, a garage, or at least covered parking, and some other stuff. The house we fell in love with and ultimately bought has none of the things we said we wanted. So, as a compromise we went searching online and found a company that produced portable garages. For those of you not familiar with winter in Rossland let me make it simple. People here install gates on their decks, not to get on and off the deck but to shovel the snow off the deck. These decks are usually on the second floor, an average of about 10’ off the ground and you can routinely step off the deck on to the snowbank mid season. Needless to say, some sort of covered parking was in order.

The company we found is called Cover-Tech and is based out of New Brunswick on the East Coast of Canada. They claim their garages are built to withstand the Canadian winter, and it came in a variety of colors including Dark Green. I was sold, built tough and less obnoxious than the white variety that seem to be everywhere lately. when you order, it takes 4-5 weeks for deliver because it is custom made to the specs that you choose. So I had our Realtor measure up the driveway and chose the specs based on that, the only one I was unsure of was the height. It is available with either a 7’ door or a 9’ door. I was thinking, well if we want to use our roof-box in the winter for all of the snowboards and such, i should get the 9’ door, just to be safe.

It finally arrived last week and we waited till the weekend to attempt to set it up. “Easy to set up” it claimed. Well, I suppose, compared to what,? A Nuclear Missile Silo? (It’s almost as big as one). Note: 9’door, means the door opening is 9’. I negelcted to factor in the curved roof that goes higher than that. I used to call the mini-van “The Green Monster”, I think the garage will now assume that name. Now, in my other part-time life I do freelance graphic design, and part of my job is helping my clients create effective and clear communications. The Instruction manual that was provided with this structure was not so well presented and added to my confusion in the erection process. (Cover-Tech, drop me a line if you would like some help with that!)

It took me the better part of two days to erect this beast. I actually had to go and buy a new ladder to reach the top sections. It took three of us over an hour to get the cover on, by the way the boys at Cover-Tech should get an award for the folding job on the cover, considering the size of the bag it arrived in, that was damn impressive! Now that it is up however, I have to say I am very pleased and would recommend this to anyone who wants a bomb-proof portable structure. That cover fits on there as tight as a drum and that thing is solid! The fabric is top notch and the bones, once you get them together are going to stand for a long-time. I don’t think i’ll be taking this down until I build the two-storey Garage/Studio I’ve been dreaming of, and at that point I’ll probably re-sell it. Hopefully before I sell it I’ll be able to afford a vehicle that is a little more worthy of such a great erection.

BBD

Tags: Great Erection, Canadian Quality, Winter, Green Monster

I think one can only have so many true friends in life. Friends that surpass or transcend time and space. Those rare individuals who you either connect with so well or share some deep bond with, there are only so many of them out there. The type of friend where neither a week, a year, or a decade has to pass between visits and you pick up with like it was yesterday. You change, they change, life changes, but the friendship remains. So it was great when this arrived in my inbox.

Subject: Lightening Strikes

Message: Explain to me how, after my naked ass did many solo flights into the water off a cliff during a lightening storm, you had no film in the camera to process the images. Seriously, on that same lake I have battled bears with a canoe paddle and actually managed to get the kids to sit down and shut up. Yet the man that wants to make radical silk-screens and forces me to repeatedly risk my life, never mind my ego for sake of a tiny penis, can't figure out how to load film. Wassup with that?

Now, let me preface this a little first. This is someone who knows me personally (obviously), some one who could call me and rant about this to me directly on the phone. Someone who I had no clue actually read my blog, and yet decided to use the contact page on my blog to send me that.

Yes, I remember this incident.
Yes, it happened pretty much exactly how it sounds.
Yes, in youth, bravery and stupidity depend on perspective.
and
Yes, there was no film in the camera, but not because I didn’t know how to load it, I just forgot to check IF I had loaded it.

This is a man who we affectionately dubbed the”Grand High Cyclops”. Partly because he thought he should rule the world, and partly because when he lost a contact lens on a canoe trip, he proceeded to duct tape over his eye with the missing lens so it would not screw up his depth perception and equilibrium. He lost the lens on day 2 of a 5 day canoe trip. So he walked around for the better part of three days looking like a BORG from Star Trek. So, jumping off a cliff, naked, during a lightning storm, wasn’t a huge stretch.

But why bring this up now? So I emailed him back.

I'm trying to figure out what brought that on, and why you went to my blog to bring it up? What's going on my friend?

and to this he replied:

I have been alone in the middle east for two weeks and up until three in the morning every day in conference calls with Canada on a 9 hour time difference to Toronto.I am very tired and actually lonely, and I often go to your blog because it is cool. The night on that lake just came into my mind, and I think it was one of the more ridiculous things we have done.Sounds like the new place is great.

This is one of my best friends in the world, and he is about to move his family, quite literally to the other side of the world. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned by this choice. On one hand, the chance of a lifetime, and an experience his children will never forget. On the other hand you couldn’t pick a bunch of whiter folks to throw into the middle east. Let me clarify, when I say white I’m actually talking about complexion, we’re talking blond-haired, blue-eyed beauties, all of them. So while I worry, I still have to give a big shout out to my cycloptic homey, chillin’ like a villian in the mid-east, I mean Middle East.

Also, if he has anything to add or would like to dispute anything I’ve said here, I invite him to use the “COMMENT FEATURE” of the blog.

Peace
BBD.

Tags: True Friends, Bravery, Stupidity

I just wanted to start by saying that the following ideas have been rolling around in my head for a few days and I couldn’t decide whether to roll them into one stream of consciousness type of post or whether to partition them out with intriguing titles of their own. The latter has won and hopefully this will make your RSS reader all jiggy with new fodder. Read on, and please remember, this will not make sense. (even besides the fact that this will show up in the browser way down the page from what I write last) You have been warned.

It is the end of day two in our new home. Our stuff should arrive on Friday and we are madly trying to do as much as possible to get the house cleaned up and ready. It has been an eventful couple of days. Let me just say, buying a home in a small mountain town is not the same as buying in a big city. The concept of cleaned and ready is, a little different. We have had a number of “quirks” come rapidly to our attention. Services, are not quite so readily available here.

Where do I start? Well first off there’s the chimney that needs to be cleaned because the Inspector said, and I quote “ It’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen, I recommend you don’t have a fire in the fireplace or woodstove until you get that cleaned.” Get chimney cleaned, check.

Who cleans chimneys? A Chimney sweep of course! (go figure) Where do I find one?

Hmmmm, let’s try the phone book. No phone book in the house? Who takes the phone book when they move out?

OK, here’s the list of local contractors that the Inspector gave us. Let’s try this one. (dialing the number........ring, ring)

-Good morning So and So Company, how can I help you?

Hi, do you do chimney cleaning?

-No...............we used to, but we don’t do that anymore.

Can you recommend someone who does?

-No. I can’t recommend someone. I can give you a name, but I can in no way say I recommend or endorse him in any way!

And his name is...?

-Daryl............Here’s the number.

(writing down number) Ok Daryl, Daryl what?

-Hunh?

What is Daryl’s last name?

-I don’t know, it just says Daryl.

Ummm, ok......thank you. (click.)

I’m not kidding, that was the conversation I had this morning. Which was only slightly less bizarre that the one I had yesterday with the Realtor when we got the keys to the house.

-The previous owner said not to use the upstairs toilet.

Why?

-He was cleaning it and accidently knocked the spindle from the toilet paper roll into the toilet and now it’s stuck in there.

??!!!?????!

-It’s a nasty old pink toilet from the ‘60’s and he didn’t feel like digging around in there for it, so he offered to buy you a new toilet.

!????!!??!

-So just use the one downstairs for anything other than number 1 till it can be fixed.


Umm, ok?


I swear I’m not making this up. Today we had the excitement of the kitchen sink, that came complete with an “IN-SINKERATOR” Burping and then backing up completely. I rushed with 20 minutes till the Canadian Tire closed to fetch a 25’ Pipe Snake, a Pipe Wrench (which I already own but is on a moving truck somewhere), Liquid Drano (Which did nothing), and a few other choice items. I got back and tried to unclog the drain to absolutely no avail. I got nothin! After an entire bottle of drano, the hour you are supposed to wait for it to work, and all 25’ of Pipe Snake down the drain, it still won’t go. So I guess I’ll be calling a plumber tomorrow. Yippe-Kay-Yay-Moth......

One really cool thing did happen though. While I was waiting for the Drano to not work, I went out on the front step with my Sasquatch Hoodie, my Toque (that’s beanie for you Americans), and my Ipod. I dug out the folding camp chair we brought with us. I put on Ben Folds Live in the headphones. I turned off the front light and stared up at the night sky. The night sky in a mountain town. The night sky, in a mountain town, on a crisp November evening, in front of my new home. And while Ben was singing I saw, a shooting star.

So I made a wish.

BBD.

Tags: New Beginnings, Shooting Star, Night Sky

The Big Bad Family is officially homeless! We are currently camping out like gypsies on in my aunt’s 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom home, and my Dad arrived today to “help”. There was four of us before he arrived so you do the math. I did mention there was one bathroom, right? This was a week for the record books. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday Sugarmomma was away in another city at a conference for her new job. (She does bring home the bacon so, what am I gonna say?, It was probably important.) My Mom arrived on Tuesday to help with the kids while I packed and such. (airport trip number one.) She was actually an amazing help. That woman knows how to pack!

I had to go pick up Sugarmomma on Wednesday at rush hour. (airport trip number two.) The moving truck was arriving Friday between 8:00 and 9:00, Friday was also Halloween. This should be fun......

Grandma’s other semi-self appointed duty was to help with the girls outfits for Halloween. She made some of the most amazing halloween costumes for the ShortThings that I have ever seen, she was still sewing them as they walked out the door to go trick or treating but....they were awesome! THingOne chose to be a vampire, which was waaaaay outside her usual princess leanings so needless to say we were ecstatic. We got her a cape and a red shirt, some black makeup and thought that was pretty good. My mom took the cape and added a silky lining and ornate gold trim around all of the edges. She then proceeded to sew a matching crushed velvet skirt with satin ribbon ties. ThingTwo wanted to be a RockStar, ala “Camp Rock” and grandma once again outdid herself with a shimmery tie-up jacket/shirt thing with poofy cuffs and fancy top-stitching made to go over sensible cold weather layers. She then created fleecy fringed moccasin style boot covers to go over her winter boots to mimic the boots Mitchie wears in the movie. To top it off she found a piece of sequined fabric to tie around her microphone in true Steven Tyler style. Did I mention she did all of this from scratch, while we packed up the house around her? At one point she was actually sitting on the concrete front step stitching the boot covers by hand, as we carried the last remnants of our belongings out of the house, after the cleaning crew finished, and the movers were loading the last few items on to the truck, at 5:00pm, on Halloween. What a woman.

The weather here at Halloween is notoriously fickle and generally provides snow either the day before or the day of Halloween. There has been snow on the ground every Halloween since we moved here. I don’t know what happened and global warming is just fiction created by conspiracy nuts and extremists right? Anyway it was beautiful in the evening and my aunt’s neighbourhood really does it up. It was ThingTwo’s first real Halloween experience and let me say it was great! It took her two or three houses to get into it but after that, look out! We intentionally got them small Halloween buckets for collecting, and she knew full well that there was lots in her bucket that was not safe for her, but on the walk home, there was no prying that bucket from here clenched little fists. ThingOne’s bucket was quickly over flowing and a kindly lady decided that would not do and promptly gave her another bag into which she dumped the contents of her bucket and informed her that now she was ready to continue. Gee,......thanks? It was a nice gesture, I suppose. All in all it was a great end to a crazy week.

We have two more days to burn here while we await possession of our new home. This part is killing me. I have become a bit of a homebody over the last couple of years and do not like being without my creature comforts, and my bed...even if I fall asleep on the couch most nights. Oh well, Three months of preparation and waiting are almost over. Then the new adventure begins....

I hope everyone had a safe and bountiful Halloween.

BBD.

I almost forgot, if all of this wasn’t fun enough we woke up this morning to find that our UHAUL trailer that took us nearly a half hour to back into my aunt’s assigned parking spot at the townhouse complex where she lives, had been moved into someone else’s assigned parking spot by some midnight marauding Halloween pranksters. Yippee!

Tags: Homeless, Halloween, Costumes, Packing, UHAUL, Pranksters